My Black Dog, a snake in the grass
Published 1 year, 5 months ago in My life.Churchill called it the Black Dog but to me depression is a snake in the grass. It may never trouble you. But tread on it and it is quick to bite, paralysing you with fear, dread and self loathing.
For a long while I told myself that I was being pathetic, weak and self-serving.
I told myself to snap out of it, to grow a backbone, to keep my distance.
But I just kept crying.
I would imagine my own death and my orphaned children, my children’s death or my wife’s death and desolation.
And I would cry.
I would speak to a care worker I know about his clients, abused children, or I would read about a mother who had killed her family or of a natural disaster, tens of thousands of people dead, millions suffering.
And I would cry.
I couldn’t work. I couldn’t concentrate or follow a discussion. I was easily confused and often embarrassed, certain of my every failing and sure that each one was like an extra nose – ugly and obvious. I could look no-one in the eye.
I could sleep - all day given half the chance - but I was tired all the time.
So I asked for help and I took the drugs. Avanza – Mirtazapine by any other name.
I don’t cry much any more.
In fact, life tastes good again.
The snake is back in the grass. I must be careful where I tread.
4 Responses to “My Black Dog, a snake in the grass”
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Well done… you did the right thing in seeking treatment for depression rather than just letting it get worse. That is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and your family, because they’d want to see you happy and well again too.
And it’s brave of you to share your story on Nook… there is still so much stigma around mental illness and it helps people to understand when they find out how many people it affects, and how cool the people that it affects can be.
Depression is never your fault… who would choose to be depressed? You can tell the people who have never experienced depression before because they’re the ones who believe that you can just “snap out of it”.
The fact that such things as child abuse, natural disasters and the thought of bad things happening to your family upset you shows that you care about others and that is a beautiful and rare thing. It’s hard to strike a balance between being cold and numb and caring too much…
I had depression too… unfortunately Zoloft, Luvox and Lexapro couldn’t touch it… but still, I doubt it was as bad as what you experienced. It’s great news that your medication is working… and don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t be on it - it’s no different to taking medication for any other illness.
It is an inspiration and delight to see that you have so much vibrance and humour despite what you have been through… and it’s a wonderful message of hope to those who may be going through the same thing themselves.
Best of luck keeping the black dog in the pound… hopefully in time he’ll be “put to sleep” like all other dangerous dogs.
Yes I agree with Lady Chaos, it’s great to have people talking about depression as mental illness is unfortunately still often seen as something ‘wierd’, rather than treating it like any other illness you might have treatment for. It is true also that unfortunately people often think that depression is ‘logical’ and you can just ‘get over it’ by seeing how bad other peoples lives are. But mental illness doesn’t work like that, that’s why it’s called illness.
It’s also great to hear your success in treatment, it’s not often that we hear about the fact that, as horrible as depression can be when you’re living it, you can come through alright on the other side
I strongly encourage anyone who feels they might be depressed, anxious, or bipolar to have a look at resources like those at http://www.beyondblue.org.au/. There’s some great stuff there as well as links to lots of other helpful resources. Or go see your GP, there’s now some subsidies available to allow you to see a psychologist every so often if referred by your GP after a mental health plan.
Remember 1 in 5 people will suffer a mental illness during their lifetime, so you’re definitely not alone!
Thanks for the inspiration fossil!
ta.
Beyond Blue is good. You can access psychologists through universities that are great and cheap. GP is definitely the place to start.
When my daughter was 9 she became unwell, she wouldn’t eat, had constant headaches, stomach aches and pains. After many visits the doctors to no avail I marched her into casualty at the Children’s it was the best thing I could of done, after numerous test ruled out the physical side she was diagnosed as having anxiety and depression.
This was a hard thing to understand in a child, but I accepted their diagnosis and set about attending numerous appointments with her, I didn’t always agree or like what the professionals had to say, but it wasn’t about me it was about her, so I took on board their strategies, listened to what they had to say.
Now 4 years later she’s a different girl. At her worst she howled and wanted to die, now she knows how to cope & is happy. We know the signs and have way of dealing with them. Once I would of probably scoffed at the idea of psychologists or psychiatrists and thought anyone should be able to pull themself together. I know different now and what a difference they can make.