fossil

In the Shadowmaster’s response to viv’s 4-days-to-go post, he suggested that if his beloved Howard Government lost office he would produce and market a bumper sticker along the lines of

DON’T BLAME ME, I VOTED LIBERAL .

I suggest said sticker should carry an extended rider along the lines of - “but I guess I should take some responsibility for an unnecessary war in Iraq, the unconscionable treatment of refugees and the increasingly diminished international reputation of my country as a nation of uncaring, border-line racist, environmental vandals’’.

You should be able to fit all of that on the rear of your 4-wheel-drive Shadow old son.

Feel free to blame me.

The ABC are running a satire competition.

It’s by no means a dream to spend a week behind the scenes with the Chaser team, but it would be pretty cool.

Any chance ya reckon?

Here’s one for ya Viv - Halloween. 

I’ve got no problem with kids eating copious amounts of sweets and I’ve long since grown out of my youthful opposition to all things “Sepo'’ (septic tank, rhyming slang) but I cannot countenance young kids knocking on strangers’ doors and asking for lollies. 

I had several young girls - I reckon they were 8 or 9 - hammer on my door after dark looking for treats. I gave them a lollipop each and sent them on their way. I’m a good guy - really I am - but they had no way of knowing that. For all they knew they were putting themselves at the mercy of a creep, in his own home, behind a large fence, out of view of neighbours and passers by. 

I wish the world - even my little part of it - was safe for kids to approach strange men and beg sweets from them - but it isn’t. 

If parents allow their children participate in “trick or treat'’ they MUST go with them or at least ensure they are accompanied by a responsible adult. Preferably the whole saga is limited to a few houses, a court or a street and prearranged with everyone involved. 

I don’t really want to ban Halloween. I’m just not a fan of parents who let their little witches make unsolicited house calls.

I am presently being trained to manage my career and the careers of those few who answer to me. The company for which I work is standardising its professional development systems and, to be fair, it is an even-handed process – everyone from senior management to the greenest foot soldier is forced to endure it. 

Part of the training – I won’t bore you with the entire, arduous tale – involves an online “learning system’’. It involves wading through a dozen or so “modules’’, following the written prompts to click on this icon or that. It is loaded with unavoidable pitfalls - such as icons that don’t appear on screen until after you have clicked elsewhere – that send you back to the beginning and make you pine for a family tragedy to take your mind off the tedium. It is boring, annoying and at best meaningless but, one would think, at least doable. 

I have been working long hours of late and have not had time to devote to “e-learning’’ during office hours and so decided to complete the task at home. 

I hit a snag and it broke the camel’s back. 

Below is a letter I have drafted to our human resources department. I will not send it of course, to do so would be a poor way indeed to manage my career, but I thought some here might enjoy it. 

Hi HR 

Just to let you know that I was putting in a few extra hours tonight, diligently working through my online professional development “training’’. I’d been at it on and off for an hour (between feeding, bathing and resisting the temptation to throttle my children) and feel sure that I was somewhere near the end. 

In any case I had progressed to “page 3 of 16’’ of whichever mindless module I was wading through when the “e-learning’’ site went into “scheduled maintenance’’. The site’s automatic apology “for any inconvenience’’ was hardly fitting. It was not inconvenient, it was maddening. “Sorry for screwing you over’’ or even “ha ha’’ would have seemed more appropriate. 

But I digress. 

I write simply to inform you that this was the first opportunity I have had to complete this god-awful task since you alerted me to the necessity of it 10 days ago. 

It is the last opportunity I will get to complete it prior to what I can only hope will be a more meaningful “face-to-face’’ training session on Wednesday afternoon. 

In short, I will not be completing the online component of this mandatory corporate torture. 

I am willing and available to keep my Wednesday appointment but if you feel that I will be unable to follow in-class instructions to “click on the purple bar’’ due to my aborted attempt to complete this primary-school equivalent of an online “course’’ then I will gladly reassign my Wednesday afternoon to the apparently secondary task of DOING MY JOB. 

Happy to discuss. 

Fossil

Allow me to present a small selection of unrelated thoughts from a slowly disintegrating mind.

The Simpsons movie (2007) and the South Park movie (Bigger, longer and uncut: 1999) have few things in common but here’s two.

1) They’re animated.

2) They each begin with a message to the audience couched in a scene where the characters are themselves sitting in a cinema, watching a film. In both cases the message should be heeded.

In South Park, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman sneak into a showing of the R-rated Terrance and Phillip movie “Asses of Fire'’ which begins with the song “Uncle F&*ka’’ and descends into a litany of fart jokes and excessively strong swearing. The entire audience, apart from the kids in the front row, are disgusted and leave en masse.

The message? If you’ve brought kids to this film, f*&$k off now, it’s not appropriate. And it aint. Bigger, longer and uncut is vile and offensive. But it is also one of the funniest films I’ve seen, peppered with valuable political commentary, and it is better by far than the TV show.

In the Simpsons, Homer et al are watching the Itchy and Scratchy movie – which is just another Itchy and Scratchy, no more, no less. Homer stands up and addresses the audience, saying something like, “I can’t believe you people are paying to see something you’ve been getting for free on TV for years, you’re all idiots’’.

He was right, except that it’s not quite what we’ve been getting for free - the film has far fewer laughs than your average 30 minute episode. Wait for the DVD.

Meanwhile…

I was listening to a report on the radio this morning about China’s preparations for the 2008 Olympics. According to the report on 774, construction is full steam ahead on Games venues and four new underground stations for a brand-spanking train system, expected to be up and running just months before the opening ceremony.

In the midst of a glowing report about how Beijing residents can’t wait to show off their country to the world and praise for the government’s efforts to finalise the required infrastructure - “an achievement of Olympic proportions’’ - there was one line that caught my ear:

“14 people have died in construction accidents on the rail system and several others have lost their lives on venue building sites, but the actual number of workplace deaths is secret.’’

Oh, my god. People are dying to build stadiums so that we can enjoy 16 days of sport and it’s not even the lead in an ABC story about preparations for the Games. Granted, people no doubt die on construction sites in China every day, but these folk are dying for my entertainment.

I shall not watch a day of it and would applaud anyone who proposed a Boycott.

What say you?

As you’re no doubt aware, the Guggenheim Collection is in town and media outlets have been falling over each other to take us on a virtual tour.

One of the exhibits is a pile of lollies dumped on the gallery floor and visitors are encouraged to take one and think about the message portrayed by the artist’s work which is something to do with the first Gulf War. I don’t know what; presumably something to do with the horror of tooth decay.

EXCEPT IT’S NOT ART IT’S A PILE OF LICORICE!!! And a gallery worker – most likely not an artist but a janitor of sorts - replenishes it at the end of the day.

I quite licorice but it plays havoc with my digestive system so I’ve another idea.

I propose a massive stack of Krispy Creme doughnuts that people could be encouraged to take and munch as they walked around the gallery, thinking about the over indulgence of a western society drunk on the sweet taste of success.

Any takers?

 Come on. it would be delicious.

Golden1 makes THE BEST HOT CHOCOLATE EVER
“not me,’’ she claims, “it’s Alain’’ – WHATEVER!
Mercy’s blonde and claims not to be dumb
her friend Dave nooks vicariously and sits on his bum
Mattsfolio tells us you are what you eat
Skyhooks has 63 shoes for her feet!
Marywalsh thinks Glen Ira Council sucks
The bigfella (tours1) wants more tourism bucks
Bill nook’s about Jesus, god, heaven and hell

Dr Lovehandles even nooked in for a spell

about handles and love and coming out of your shell.

Where is he now? – hard to tell.

Perhaps she was eaten by Dr Fell.

Damn you Dr Fell; he/she was my friend,

though here on Nook you can always pretend

that you’ve never met when you have or that you have when you’ve not

or arrange to catch up with friends, strangers, the lot,

near a farm in some place to discuss writing and art

and photos and if you’d want to take part

in a show

with theshadow

(a great wooly dog with a cheerio at the end of his master’s blog)

both – I suspect – cause a pain in trev’s… shoe?

Trev has to organize the “show’’ at Leader’s Blackburn HQ.

Envirogirl is saving the world with green energy, new skivvies and justice for all
Lady Chaos writes poems, likes black and is tall.
Brian ponders the meaning of life
and offers his thoughts on all manner of strife
He used to fight about God when Ackbar was in town
But since Ack’s gone away the god things quietened down.
Irony.
Viv changes logos to suit her mood
and nooks about stuff – children, colour and food
and she won an evil ipod for one of her brood
Nebula punches holes in her stick-figure ears
She feels cold all the time and prefers Baileys to beer
Hannahsgranpa has regrets, inner peace and great deal to say
Winnierose says bad words go a long, long way

Shymija likes Wednesdays, Fridays and rainy weather
Wishes regular nooksters would stay here forever.

Cacophony’s not as noisy as she sounds; Visit her nook – there love has been found.
There are loads of us really, nookin’ when we get in the mood
Meinrosebud and gadfly, even that crazy coolbunny dude
And why not? Nookin’s fun for you, me and them.
But I’d rather be sleeping at 4am.

Envirogirl suggested I solve my sleeping woes by off-loading. Getting things off my chest, addressing all those lingering issues. (follow the link and you will also find Golden1’s best ever hot chocolate recipe - it’s FANTASTIC!) 

Anyway, Envi, great idea. I vented. And I enjoyed it so much I had to reproduce it here.

My brother dropped by last night with his COW of a partner. He’d leant me a power tool some months ago and they came to collect it. (My wife and I both recall that he gave it to me, but there you go). Apparently it had a piece missing (a small piece, I reckon about 50 cents from Bunnings). His partner, lets call her COW, went on and on and *&$^ing on about how it wouldn’t work now and we’ll have to buy another one now, well we won’t get that job done now. Well &^%^&*!!! kill me.
They’d just come back from some *&^%$*ing expensive overseas trip and COW also went on about buying a new and no doubt expensive camera and I felt like punching her in her BOVINE face and telling her to buy a new *&%&ing 50 cent clip and shut the *^%^*&U(&^&*&^*(^&*&&*&* up!!
Apparently COW suffers chronic pain and my wife, bless her cotton socks, said “maybe she’s in pain’’.
Well you’d hope so!!!! 

Envirogirl also suggested I pray. 

OK.
Pease god don’t let my brother and his COW of a partner see this post. And can I please have a few hours shut-eye.
ta.
see you in heaven. Please. God.
Thanks,
Foss. 

Oh look, there are children overboard, and it’s an election year.
Only this time they’re really there, drowning in abuse in the nation’s north.
They’ve been tossed overboard by successive governments and a general population that frankly couldn’t give a toss.
 

Howard’s right – something must be done but it should have been done many years ago, probably by a Labor government.
 

The timing of Howard’s big move stinks of election Tampa-ing.
 

Howard may be genuine in his desire to help the little children but there is no doubt that this was a political opportunity too good to miss; a shock move on the board of wedge politics very similar to the one that screwed Beazley to the wall in 2001.
 

The recent report that has prompted outrage and the most dramatic federal intervention in territory or indigenous affairs for 40 years was not the first word on systemic abuse in the territory or indeed indigenous communities throughout Australia.
 

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare (AIHW) has been collecting information on the prevalence of child abuse and neglect in Aboriginal communities since at least 1990. In 2002-2003 (for example) child abuse or neglect was confirmed by statutory child protection services for 4,334 Indigenous children aged 0-16 years across the nation. These are cases of child abuse that were reported to authorities and followed up. Needless to say they were the tip of the iceberg. 
 

In May 2006 federal aboriginal affairs minister Mal Brough told Late Line’s Tony Jones that “Everybody knows who runs the paedophile rings’’ in indigenous communities in the Northern Territory.  To Brough’s credit he’s been pushing hard for something to be done but it’s taken until now – when Howard was seemingly out of magic rabbits – to do anything.
 

It’s all about the timing. The Howard government’s intervention in the NT is a grand gesture but it is thin on detail and, dare I say, thin on thought.
 

It will take years of COMMITMENT, POLITICAL WILL and WISDOM to make a genuine difference to the lives of today’s indigenous children. Does Howard have any of those things in relation to this issue? Hard to judge before this year’s election.